• about me
  • pelamarela.com

  • blog

pelamarela.com

2021 / The After Sessions

10. poglavje: Pričakovanja

August 29, 2021

Po vseh teh letih, po vsem tem trudu, me pričakovanja še vedno, vedno potolčejo. Moj racio to bitko zgubi, vedno znova. Včasih me drži v borbi dolgo, včasih pa kapitulira že pred pravim začetkom. Samo minutka nepazljivosti, pa smo tam.  

Po drugi strani pa me intuicija v teh primerih še skoraj nikoli ni pustila na cedilu. Lahko so izkušnje, privzgojen skepticizem ali pa že kar paranoja, na koncu se izkaže, da se je še vsak tak neumen pomislek na začetku izkazal za legitimnega. A kaj, ko znata bit moja naivnost in želja po lepšem koncu močnejši tandem. Pa skrita želja, da mogoče kdaj ne bi imela prav. Da bi me kdaj ljudje presenetili v pozitivno smer. Zato se vedno znova pustim zavajat in pri tem spustim svoje zidove enormnim pričakovanjem. Edino, vedno krajša postaja ta faza “rožnatih” očal. Ker se mi enostavno ne da. Dlje kot se vleče, težje bo – ker tako ali tako vem, kakšen bo konec. Lahko mi rečete pesimistka, pa vam v tem trenutku ne bom oporekala.

V zadnjih mesecih sem si pridelala precej potrditev, ki mi pomagajo spreminjat vzorce na boljše, bit bolj sigurna vase. Na (skoraj) vseh področjih, razen enem. No, na nek sick način, tudi tam dobivam potrditev, potrditev svoje intuicije, da smo šli v K* in, da ljudem težko zaupam, ker jim enostavno ni za zaupat.

Včasih sm se v takih trenutkih skrivala za sramom (in vsake toliko me še vedno prime), da vedno uspem zaupat v najboljšo verzijo drugih (in bizarno, nikoli v enako, ko pride do same sebe). Da bi itak vsak na daleč poštekal, ko ga vlečejo za nos in da sem si na koncu v resnici kr sama kriva, ker to nisem. Pa jeza, zakaj se to spet dogaja meni in zakaj vedno najdem take ljudi. Potuhnila sm se, preveč boječka, da bi komu dejansko povedala, da me je prizadel, razočaral ali pa razjezil, predno je bilo že davno prepozno. Ker so tempo in smer vedno diktirali drugi. Na tej točki sem najprej vedno jezna nase, ker izpadem butasta. Ker sem kljub še tako mikro, a zaznanim alarmom, dala priložnost in vložila košček sebe, čeprav ga nisem v isti meri dobila nazaj. Najbolj jezna pa ne toliko na svojo naivnost, ampak v resnici na dejstvo, da sem kljub zaznanim alarmom, še ekstra dvignila svoja pričakovanja.

Ampak, če k odnosu ne pristopiš s čisto vestjo, iskreno željo in vsaj malo naivnosti, a ima ta sploh kakšno možnost?

Če sem dolga leta cincala in se delala, vsaj navzven, da mi je ubistvu vseeno, tega nočem več. Raje imam, da na koncu izpadem idiot in vložim preveč, kot pa da se še naprej zapiram vase. Če bomo vsi čakali, da se drugi pred nami razgalijo na zlatem pladnju, se nam vrjetno piše precej slabo…

Čeprav me lastna intuicija in paranoja še naprej tako vestno opozarjata, mi naivna želja po iskrenih vezeh ne da miru. In tako mislim, da bom še naprej hodila po tanki črti med večnim romantičnim optimizmom in pesimistično realnostjo.

“The After Sessions” je zbirka misli, ki se zgodijo pred, med in po eureka trenutkih. Kaj, kako in zakaj, stay tuned.

Share

You May Also Like

June 7, 2021

The After Sessions: Intro

June 27, 2021

3. poglavje: Detaching

July 4, 2021

4. poglavje: Odgovornost

July 25, 2021

7. poglavje: Poletje

it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠
i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠
⁠
⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan  #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠
#wearingtoday
pelamarela
pelamarela
•
Follow
it's time to wrap this January up! ⏳ ⁠📸⁠ i feel like it's always such a weirdly intense month, in both good and bad ways...⁠ some sort of aftershock from all the hurricanes of the past year, just so that we can start February with a clean slate. ⁠ ⁠ ⁠#tissot #watchesofinstagram #tissotprx #tissotwatch #watchstyle #vscobalkan #slovenianblogger #slovenianbloggers #pelamarela ⁠#instadaily #photooftheday #ig_photooftheday #blogger #igers⁠ #wearingtoday
4 days ago
View on Instagram |
1/5
i wanted to say that monday mornings deserve especially good coffee, but truthfully, which morning doesn’t? ☕️after what seemed like an eternity, we finally have a new (fully functioning) household member that takes care of our morning cup of joe. it’s not really straight out of a box solution, but in the end very well worth it!#coffeetime #coffee #coffeelife #coffeeshots #coffeeaddict #coffeetime #instacoffee #cupsinframe #brevillebaristapro #sageapplianceseu #baristapro #homebarista #baristadaily
pelamarela
pelamarela
•
Follow
i wanted to say that monday mornings deserve especially good coffee, but truthfully, which morning doesn’t? ☕️after what seemed like an eternity, we finally have a new (fully functioning) household member that takes care of our morning cup of joe. it’s not really straight out of a box solution, but in the end very well worth it!#coffeetime #coffee #coffeelife #coffeeshots #coffeeaddict #coffeetime #instacoffee #cupsinframe #brevillebaristapro #sageapplianceseu #baristapro #homebarista #baristadaily
2 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
2/5
how to smell real good 🎀
(and i can’t believe there’s still no perfume emoji!)#perfumecollection #lelabofragrances #diptyqueperfume #fragrancecollection #smellgood #perfumes #todayimwearing #lelaboperfume #lelaboneroli36
pelamarela
pelamarela
•
Follow
how to smell real good 🎀 (and i can’t believe there’s still no perfume emoji!)#perfumecollection #lelabofragrances #diptyqueperfume #fragrancecollection #smellgood #perfumes #todayimwearing #lelaboperfume #lelaboneroli36
3 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
3/5
it's not blonde, but it's still a big change! it’s been a few years since the last one… no new identity this time, just a long-needed chop ✂️ (swipe for before & more >> )having hair that grows extreeemly fast, gives me the luxury to make the decision of snapping big chinks off so much easier, without having to wait too long to grow them back (in case of regret).no such thing here though, as @hair.apparel.co really did a 🔥 job. thank you for always taking such good care of my hair and my whims ✨#brownbalayage #brownhair #hairapparel #balayage #bobcutstyle #newhaircut #shorterhair
it's not blonde, but it's still a big change! it’s been a few years since the last one… no new identity this time, just a long-needed chop ✂️ (swipe for before & more >> )having hair that grows extreeemly fast, gives me the luxury to make the decision of snapping big chinks off so much easier, without having to wait too long to grow them back (in case of regret).no such thing here though, as @hair.apparel.co really did a 🔥 job. thank you for always taking such good care of my hair and my whims ✨#brownbalayage #brownhair #hairapparel #balayage #bobcutstyle #newhaircut #shorterhair
it's not blonde, but it's still a big change! it’s been a few years since the last one… no new identity this time, just a long-needed chop ✂️ (swipe for before & more >> )having hair that grows extreeemly fast, gives me the luxury to make the decision of snapping big chinks off so much easier, without having to wait too long to grow them back (in case of regret).no such thing here though, as @hair.apparel.co really did a 🔥 job. thank you for always taking such good care of my hair and my whims ✨#brownbalayage #brownhair #hairapparel #balayage #bobcutstyle #newhaircut #shorterhair
it's not blonde, but it's still a big change! it’s been a few years since the last one… no new identity this time, just a long-needed chop ✂️ (swipe for before & more >> )having hair that grows extreeemly fast, gives me the luxury to make the decision of snapping big chinks off so much easier, without having to wait too long to grow them back (in case of regret).no such thing here though, as @hair.apparel.co really did a 🔥 job. thank you for always taking such good care of my hair and my whims ✨#brownbalayage #brownhair #hairapparel #balayage #bobcutstyle #newhaircut #shorterhair
pelamarela
pelamarela
•
Follow
it's not blonde, but it's still a big change! it’s been a few years since the last one… no new identity this time, just a long-needed chop ✂️ (swipe for before & more >> )having hair that grows extreeemly fast, gives me the luxury to make the decision of snapping big chinks off so much easier, without having to wait too long to grow them back (in case of regret).no such thing here though, as @hair.apparel.co really did a 🔥 job. thank you for always taking such good care of my hair and my whims ✨#brownbalayage #brownhair #hairapparel #balayage #bobcutstyle #newhaircut #shorterhair
4 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
4/5
v 2023 si želim…še več smeha in ljubezni. še več kvalitetnih pogovorov in polnih objemov. še več igranja med lonci in uživanja v dobri hrani. še več naključno usklajenih outfitov in afnanja pred ogledalom. več odkrivanja sveta. še več lepih sončnih zahodov iz najinega balkona. več trenutkov iz cone udobja. še več negronijev in dobre kave v dobri družbi. več iskrenosti, spontanosti in lepih trenutkov. še več iskanja lepih kadrov in poigravanja s kamero. predvsem pa lepo, mirno in polno leto. ❤️
pelamarela
pelamarela
•
Follow
v 2023 si želim…še več smeha in ljubezni. še več kvalitetnih pogovorov in polnih objemov. še več igranja med lonci in uživanja v dobri hrani. še več naključno usklajenih outfitov in afnanja pred ogledalom. več odkrivanja sveta. še več lepih sončnih zahodov iz najinega balkona. več trenutkov iz cone udobja. še več negronijev in dobre kave v dobri družbi. več iskrenosti, spontanosti in lepih trenutkov. še več iskanja lepih kadrov in poigravanja s kamero. predvsem pa lepo, mirno in polno leto. ❤️
1 month ago
View on Instagram |
5/5
@pelamarela
  • Contact me
  • Privacy Policy
  • Blog Disclosure
wave-graphic-file

copyright © 2023 pelamarela.com Site Powered by Pix & Hue.