anxiety

Travel: Conquering Anxiety While Solo

January 31, 2018

It seems like 2017 was meant for conquering my favorite cities, on my own. I know, I know, you’re probably sick of whole Rome topic (“can she post about anything else already?!”), but today I wanted to touch on another “popular” subject of mine and that’s anxiety. Sadly, it’s an international condition and can’t be left at home. Too bad, huh?

Episodes at home can be pretty manageable, but what can you do when you’re away, especially when going solo? Yes, I admit, it’s harder, because the normal routine probably won’t work, but there are ways. I’ve touched on some points in my London post last year, about doing what it’s comfortable for you at that moment.

pelamarela, blogger, lifestyle, personal, rome, anxiety, travel, travelling alone

I had a particularly bad episode one day near the end of my summer vacation in Rome. Skipped my morning routine in favor of snoozing an hour longer and it broke my whole cycle. I was afraid of even stepping out of my room. I rationalized it of course, that nothing is wrong with taking a morning off, that I’m in no rush, nobody is waiting for me and I’m on holidays after all. By noon, I was feeling jumpy and ready to start the day. Or so I thought. It took me two hours to go out the door.

Congratulating myself on the stairs, I arrived on the street and only then it really hit me. I was ready to turn around that second, but I powered it through. It got worse with every second, I was feeling like the whole road was starring at me, my shoe laces were constantly going off, sun was in my eyes and everything felt just so wrong. That continued through the whole day and usually, I would turn right back, but that day I decided to ignore it.

Instead of hitting the coast, like I planned, I decided to play it safe and wander the known streets. Explore the nooks of the town, that felt so comfortable. That took off the pressure of going to specific place. Call it a compromise, at least I was out! At one point, I made it to the stairs of some museum and just sat there for an hour, people watching. And finally, after a whole day, I felt at ease again.

Getting through these episodes was easy in Rome, because I knew the city. Even though there’s millions of people going by every second in every direction, it brought me some kind of peace, serenity. Loosing myself in the crowd is by far the most effective cure for me. Feeling like I’m nobody, unnoticed, but not completely invisible. I kind of have an issue with the thought of constantly being watched, judged and controlled, but I guess big cities can take some of that pressure away for me.

Moral of the story? Anxiety while solo travelling is no harder than when in company. The only difference is that you have to deal with it completely alone. It can teach you a valuable lesson about yourself and that definitely stays with you even back at home.

Maybe that’s the charm of travelling to big cities for me – after a while, I can let go of my anxiety, get used to it and carry that freeing feeling back home. ♥

2017 Outfit Personal

Outift: Life Steps

September 27, 2017

There was a time I was feeling really lost.

I thought my perspective were the long-term life goals and that my sacrifices would be worth achieving them. I was focused on things I knew I wished for with all my heart. To me they were worth the stress, anxiety, fears, distances that brought. I would do it all the same again in a heartbeat. It was the only way I could really prove myself I am able to pull my focus if I put my mind to it.

pelamarela, blogger, lifestyle, personal, life, outfit, streetstyle, ljubljana, steps

All the plans and goals were set with intention to move forward. Physically and mentally. Because I am ready for my next chapter. I thought that this could only be accomplished by turning my world up-side-down completely. As it turns out, I can take smaller steps and still arrive to the same finish line.

I felt something big coming and I thought it meant the next step in life as in move to Rome, stay, get a regular job, move, but it actually meant mindset switch. Mental revolution, really. It was instant, completely unexpected, but crucial. It’s funny how a banality like the fear of overcrowded fitness could lead to being a much deeper problem, roots to almost everything. I would never connect the dots alone, but somehow, somebody did that for me and it blew me away.

After failed Plan A, I am here with a Plan B, already in progress. Some would say this would be a safer, easier way, when the truth is, my next few years could hold just as much stress as they would moving to other country. ♥

photos by Eva

2017 Personal School

Personal: Life After Exams

June 26, 2017

I thought a lot about what to post, how to start again. It could be a cheerful post about how the exams are finally over and I can focus on summer and yada yada. Because in this moment all I feel is relief that everything is over, regardless of the results. But that way I would brush off all of the hard moments. It’s been rough too. It’s been a while since I’ve used this keyboard for something other than school papers, Italian course or work tasks. May and June are easily the craziest months in students life. To protect my freshly required sanity, I decided to focus on the important tasks and press pause on everything else. That meant friends, family, blogging and for a while even work. Basically, my only company were books and my own head. Yikes.

pelamarela, blogger, exams, personal, lifestyle

Piles of books, chugging coffee, then avoiding it (because anxiety), hours of revising, headaches, even sedatives and occasional crying. Every year, it brings out the negative part of my love/hate relationship with college. And it’s not because of the effort required from me to pass the exams. It’s the overall experience and feelings it brings out. Most often than not, it leaves me feeling stupid, inferior and a hopeless cause. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in, it almost never leaves me happy at the end. Just relieved to be over.

I felt restless, annoyed, angry. Sick of sitting at home behind books, not being able to concentrate on the content. Angry, because again, the clock is ticking and I’m so behind. Agitated, because no matter how serious it is and how much I have to do, I still do everything else. Going from one place to another, sitting behind the desk, laying on the couch, sitting outside, becoming claustrophobic in my tiny apartment. Restless, because I want this to be over already. Because I want to do stuff. Go out, live life, create things. Scared, because I have so little time to do so much stuff. Angry some more, because summer is here and I know I will spend it at work and in classrooms. Because it will be over before I will even have the chance to enjoy it.

I’ve never took school really seriously (hence my 6 years long struggle to finish college). Honestly, the only true reason I’m making an effort now, is because I’m sick of it. Well, that and the fact that I can go to Rome if I finish this year. Back in January I wasn’t sure if I should go, the thought of leaving is now the only thing that keeps me going. Last 6 months showed me leaving Ljubljana is the only right thing to do. Also, it raises the stakes. It adds numerous tasks to my already never-ending list that needs to be done by the end of the September.

I’ve dealt with stress before. Deadly deadlines, countless projects. I have no problem doing the work in order to get somewhere. But this scares me. Because something I really wish to do is depending on my school success and I’m the first to doubt that I can deliver.

After all the long hours spent behind books, my head screams for something more meaningful, more creative, more… me.

I have been playing with this idea for a while now and maybe I’m finally ready. I think the upcoming life change is the right time to take this step. I will start blogging more seriously. Or at least try. I want to make a bigger commitment to this site. To my social channels. I think I am ready to tackle this and see where I can take it. Ideas are flowing, all I need is some free time to put them into motion. My summer project – like moving to Italy wasn’t enough of a challenge. ;)

♥