Let’s talk a little, shall we?
10 years ago, I was 16. A teenager, starting her way in the world. Sometimes I still feel exactly the same. Other times, I can barely remember the person I was only 5 years ago. It’s called growing up and I’ve been doing a lot of it recently.
It’s funny when people I used to go to school with, tell me I seem the same and people who know me for less, tell me I am completely different from few years back. In reality is not one or the other, but a little bit of both.
I used to think being grown up is a destination, where you land when you are certain age. Spoiler alert, it’s not. It’s a long journey of doing grown-up tasks, pretending to have your sh** together and basically feeling confused most of the time.
26 is a funny age.
It’s a period where you have to come to terms with becoming an adult. Your own person, responsible for your own actions and well-being. You can no longer call yourself a student (even though your diploma is still not finished). You need to find a real job, not just a part time thing to earn enough for party nights. Not only that, you need to start to think about the future in the long term.
I used to search for excuses and wait for things, just because I thought I wasn’t mature enough to make decisions on my own. Even though I’ve been living on my own since being 19 and working for 8 years, it only hit me now. If I am old enough to negotiate and sign a job contract, I can do much more on my own. But to think that some have children at my age still scares me.
In pursuit of happiness
I could go on and on about everything that has changed and how my mind exploded, but I don’t think you want to read about that.
But I have to say I feel much happier. And that doesn’t mean I was not happy or was sad all these years. Happiness is a transient feeling anyway. There is always some level of insecurity attached to the life and up until now, I was terribly uncomfortable with that, which I think was the reason for feeling anxious and not completely content. To ease that, I used to convince myself I have things figured out. And then the shitstorm happened.
I am not here, saying I am now completely fine with not knowing where I am going, who will be by my side or even what exactly I’ll be doing to earn the paycheck. It still makes me nervous as hell. But I’ve discovered the beautiful part of not knowing. All opportunities arising when letting go of expectations.
It’s like I’ve been living in some sort of cramp and now it’s finally relaxing. It’s so nice to breathe fully again. ♥