I thought a lot about what to post, how to start again. It could be a cheerful post about how the exams are finally over and I can focus on summer and yada yada. Because in this moment all I feel is relief that everything is over, regardless of the results. But that way I would brush off all of the hard moments. It’s been rough too. It’s been a while since I’ve used this keyboard for something other than school papers, Italian course or work tasks. May and June are easily the craziest months in students life. To protect my freshly required sanity, I decided to focus on the important tasks and press pause on everything else. That meant friends, family, blogging and for a while even work. Basically, my only company were books and my own head. Yikes.
Piles of books, chugging coffee, then avoiding it (because anxiety), hours of revising, headaches, even sedatives and occasional crying. Every year, it brings out the negative part of my love/hate relationship with college. And it’s not because of the effort required from me to pass the exams. It’s the overall experience and feelings it brings out. Most often than not, it leaves me feeling stupid, inferior and a hopeless cause. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put in, it almost never leaves me happy at the end. Just relieved to be over.
I felt restless, annoyed, angry. Sick of sitting at home behind books, not being able to concentrate on the content. Angry, because again, the clock is ticking and I’m so behind. Agitated, because no matter how serious it is and how much I have to do, I still do everything else. Going from one place to another, sitting behind the desk, laying on the couch, sitting outside, becoming claustrophobic in my tiny apartment. Restless, because I want this to be over already. Because I want to do stuff. Go out, live life, create things. Scared, because I have so little time to do so much stuff. Angry some more, because summer is here and I know I will spend it at work and in classrooms. Because it will be over before I will even have the chance to enjoy it.
I’ve never took school really seriously (hence my 6 years long struggle to finish college). Honestly, the only true reason I’m making an effort now, is because I’m sick of it. Well, that and the fact that I can go to Rome if I finish this year. Back in January I wasn’t sure if I should go, the thought of leaving is now the only thing that keeps me going. Last 6 months showed me leaving Ljubljana is the only right thing to do. Also, it raises the stakes. It adds numerous tasks to my already never-ending list that needs to be done by the end of the September.
I’ve dealt with stress before. Deadly deadlines, countless projects. I have no problem doing the work in order to get somewhere. But this scares me. Because something I really wish to do is depending on my school success and I’m the first to doubt that I can deliver.
After all the long hours spent behind books, my head screams for something more meaningful, more creative, more… me.
I have been playing with this idea for a while now and maybe I’m finally ready. I think the upcoming life change is the right time to take this step. I will start blogging more seriously. Or at least try. I want to make a bigger commitment to this site. To my social channels. I think I am ready to tackle this and see where I can take it. Ideas are flowing, all I need is some free time to put them into motion. My summer project – like moving to Italy wasn’t enough of a challenge. ;)