It was in the middle of December, that something inside of her snapped. It was instant and it felt life elastic broke and snapped against her skin. Also hurt like hell. So much, she couldn’t stop the waterfalls flowing down her face right that minute. One fun girls night out turned into a morning she will remember for a long time. The weird thing is, nothing unordinary happened that night, but her soul was just so tired it couldn’t hold it in any longer. Her heart was drained.
Tired of all the temporary people she had met through the years. Tired of getting attached to fleeting personas. Being single is very fun, indeed, but also exhausting. So many relations, casual, brief, short lived, painfully impermanent. But as short as they all were, they left a huge hole in her. A hole she was somehow not aware of, up until that night. That night, all failed “flings” finally came rushing back. The pain flooded over the barriers she’d kept up for so long. Walls that kept her from getting attached in the past few years finally broke down. It felt like it just shattered right in to dust.
First it was anger, then came plain sadness. But after the initial shock, her body went numb. She crawled into this deep, dark cave of no emotions. Shattered, wrecked, defeated. For the first time, you could actually saw the defeat in her eyes. They were empty, with no will to ever be that optimistic, naïve girl she was up to that point. Maybe feelings are overrated. She was ready to lay on the couch and sleep until summer. She knew something had to change and that was her approach. Sometimes you need to embrace the sadness first, before you can truly move on. And so she mourned. She mourned all of the people that drained her of all the energy.
It was a long time ago, long before this happened, that she decided she is not investing herself in new people anymore. Here and there, some options popped up, but she ignored every one of those. It was hard at first, because she was so used to slide right into those flirty, funny, light chit chats. Those allowed her romantic soul to light up and hope. One too many romantic movie made her imagine she finally scored herself a main role in one. Only discovering that of course, isn’t true. After a while social detachment became very natural. She was left with so much compassion, she invested in her friendships instead.
Took a whole month to finally regain herself. It took two weeks to even decide and then another two to finally do it. To built herself back up, rebuild her happy place. Being able to breathe and feel the good emotions again was her main goal. Slowly she got back on her feet. Happy thoughts returned. One by one, they got her up. Day by day, she got better, happier. Until one day, she woke up and decided she will try on her usual, cheery self again. A tad more cynical than before, but that more sure of herself.
Sure of the fact, she will not let anyone ever drain her again. It made her proud of her strength to overcome the darkness. Proud of the memory of that dark night, she never wants to repeat. Even though the scar is still visible and her soul is still not fully charged yet, it will all be fine in time. Life has this funny way of showing you the possibilities of new beginnings…
(to be continued…)
*Story About a Girl is a collection of random midnight scribbles about life, written when brain just can’t shut down. Inspired by my own life and thoughts, telling a story through a third person.