Sometimes being in public scares her. Sometimes hiding under the blanket is all she wishes for. Sometimes just stepping on a crowded bus is too much. She knows it’s all in her head, but she can’t help it. Too sensible, overly aware and anxious. It’s like her brain is programmed the wrong way. Or just has different software installed than the rest of the society. She’s not really sure what she’s so scared of. Social interactions maybe, coexisting with others in general… Perhaps she’s not fit to be living with the big crowds. But she loovees big cities… She doesn’t like to use the word anxiety for her state though. She knows is not as nearly as bad as it could have been.
She likes going out most of the time. She feels good when she’s social. But sometimes just talking to a cashier can give her a panic attack. The anxiety starts to battle her brain. Only they are not really panic attacks. Not on the outside at least. She learned to control them. She can calm herself before it even begins. She learned to avoid possible triggers at all costs. Not over-think it. Being okay with uncomfortable situations. Handling them. She perfected some situations to a tee. They still scare her, but she knows how to handle them now. It got easier with age, but it got harder with time as well.
There are periods where almost nothing can rattle her. And then there are times when even writing an email is too much. But that doesn’t upset her any more. It comes and goes and it will always stay that way. Social awkwardness will always be a part of her.
*Story About a Girl is a collection of random midnight scribbles about life, written when brain just can’t shut down. Inspired by my own life and thoughts, telling a story through a third person.