*spoiler alert: this post is raw honest.*
You always come unexpectedly. Not quietly, usually with a big bang. You can hit hard or just gently swing by and leave soon. But I’ve never experienced you in your full force. Yes, my dearest, I’ve never been completely, properly in love. Not happily, at least. It’s weird, isn’t it? Love is supposed to be this wonderful thing, right? Meet this person you click with, open your heart, fall in love… Fairy-tale begins. Relationships, boys, girls, the game of dating, love, happy ever after…
The truth is that falling in love isn’t akin to gently drifting in a lovely warm sea of water lilies. It’s the opposite. It’s a mind f*ck. Without a condom. – source
My mind always fixated on those who didn’t really care, overlooking those who would. My heart always halfway closed, so the potential damage wouldn’t be catastrophic. I was always convinced that this and my loud brains are the main reason behind all the failures. I was allowing myself to dream once in a while, but always keep my head in check with reality. Never let my heart get too attached. I like to call myself a realist, even though the right term would probably be a scared little lamb. The truth is, I am a dreamer and a big romantic at heart. The only problem is, this side of me rarely gets out. When it comes to you, words never come easy. How can, when my head is full of thoughts, that never find their way out of my mouth. If only people could read minds, maybe my life would be easier sometimes…
Everyone, hopeless romantic or not, starts off as blank slates. As humans, we naturally like to see the best in people, so we enter the dating world giving A+’s to all the men we encounter. And as they begin to disappoint us, we begin to subtract points from their perfect score. – source
Only this year, I decided I will let my heart breathe. Let my mind wander and imagine the time when Spela finally says YOLO, opens up and lets her guard down completely. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of someone else, experience this great thing everyone is talking about. So 2015 became a year I stopped hiding and explored. Gave love the benefit of the doubt and dove in.
Once you fall in love, you’ll never stop craving it. It stands in complete contrast to the world that we’ve grown accustomed to. It changes you. – source
At first, I was overwhelmed with positivity. Fresh, sweet beginnings, filled with optimism, anticipation of something great. With each new bond, I was discovering new confidence in myself. Once painful process of meeting and getting to know new people became easier and more fun. Searching for this special connection, revealing layer after layer of each other. I was always prepared – Never a mistake, always a lesson or at least funny story, just stay brave. And boy, do I have lots of material. I understood failure was part of the journey and I was determined I won’t stop.
“But no one talks about the pain in being rejected. You act tough, like nothing can touch you, but every time you’re ghosted after a first date, stood up by that person you met on Tinder or blown the f*ck off after a night of intoxicated sex, a little bit of your self-esteem is chipped away, and the walls start building themselves.- source“
Believing, that uncovering my heart will bring me happiness, was proven to be a mistake. It took few tries, but I finally opened up. And you, my dear Love, knocked me down. What’s the point of being honest, when all it does, it makes you suffer, making you this naive little girl over and over again? All this time I thought my trust issues were just this irrational fear of getting too attached, but it turns out people really can’t be trusted. And what good it does if you have to question every sentence that comes out of people’s mouth to make sure it matches their actions? Having your heart-broken by the one you really let in sucks, because it robs you of all the optimism and good faith you once had about people. So far, dear Love, you suck.
Yes, I had my heart-broken and I’m still angry. Both at this particular person and myself for letting in the wrong one. Right now, I’m still not sure where I stand. The battle between the romantic and the realist inside of me is still on. I know fairy-tales don’t exist, but I also know I deserve something better. I don’t want to turn my back on you just jet, I don’t want to cage myself again, but at the same time, anything else feels so wrong right now. I used to be an optimist and a dreamer, but I guess I’ll be staying on the hard ground for a while.
When someone told me I’m “growing into my own, and it’s sexy.”: It’s a flicker of hope — that if I’m well on my way to being my best self, then I’m also well on my way to finding the best person for me. I haven’t found love, though I’d very much love to. Even so, it helps to know that until then, I’ve got something to look forward to. – source
Dear love, I don’t know what you still hold for me, but I’m not turning into a bitter cat lady because of you just yet. This will pass, eventually.
One day, Love, we’ll meet again.