So here I am, in beautiful Maastricht, in what it feels like -20 degrees, seeing this pretty pavilion in the middle of a square. What do I do? I take off my jacket, dance around and make my dear Eva take million pictures of me swirling. I’m usually very shy when it comes to taking photos in such a public place. But this time, I just surrendered to the moment. I felt happy.
I was spending quality time with people very dear to me and we were having so much fun together. Laughing at breakfast, reminiscing and having deep, serious debates at dinner. Each of us in very different stages of life, but all united in that moment. I love how different all of our relationships are. No matter how close or afar we are, that connection is genuine.
It made me think of how lucky I am to have so many good people in my life. How lucky am I to be where I am right now. Sure, I’m still alone at 25. To be completely honest, I though I wouldn’t be by now. But I am and I can’t imagine it any different. Timings are not my strong suit and neither is settling.
I was always dreaming about a love so consuming and so magical. I was waiting for someone to come begging for me. But that’s no the point of love, right? Somebody pleading for your affection. It has to go both ways. Sometimes it has to be me, making the first step. And that scares me, still. I guess being vulnerable always scared me, but I’m trying to get past that.
Past months have been weird. I thought I’ve ended something when I took a stand and finally chose myself that gloomy November night. I thought I was okay with the consequences, when in fact, I was deeper than I’d (still) care to admit. What followed, was hard. Objectively, there was nothing to cry over. There was nothing to be angry about. But my heart disagreed. After a while, I’ve realized the obsessing and crying was just me idolizing, and clinging to the person that wasn’t half of what I’ve drawn up by that point. When I stopped romanticizing my own pain, it got easier. It still sucked, but it was bearable.
I got this idea in my head of how it should all go and when it didn’t, I was lost. I’ve made peace with it now. I’ve accepted the fact, that I’ve let myself be sucked in (again and again), by the temptation and false expectations. And that’s okay. Sometimes, it’s okay not to think so much and just act in a spur of the moment. YOLO and all that.
While swirling around in Maastricht, I’ve decided to let go of frustrations and embrace my life, as it is. I’m now a “real” grown up and moments like these need to be appreciated even more than before. ♥
Photos by Eva